I am the problem, we are the problem

The recent appalling incidents in Kolkata have sparked widespread protests and agitations, and while these responses are justified, they have left me deeply troubled for two reasons: I really believe in the India story, and I have a 10-year-old daughter. I was shocked when my wife mentioned that there is hardly any girl or woman in India who has not faced some form of gender-based violence, discrimination, or misconduct in her life. What is even more disturbing is that, for many, these experiences are part of daily life. It is hard to accept that so many of us, men and boys, are complicit in this.

I firmly believe that those who commit heinous crimes are criminals and should face the full force of the law. Any societal change or mindset shift will take the longest to reach these individuals. While I fully support the protests demanding swift justice, I want to focus on a different issue—the everyday violence, discrimination, and misconduct perpetrated by us, the so-called “non-criminals.”

At first, my wife’s statement about the everyday challenges women face seemed surprising. However, upon deeper introspection, I realized it is not surprising at all. From family norms that impose gender-based restrictions to societal expectations about clothing, from the objectification of women in music videos to the glass ceilings in the corporate world, women constantly face discrimination and violence.

The big question is: What can I do? What can we do to bring about change in society?

Start Within the Family

We must start at home. We should teach our sons to be respectful towards women, and we should empower our daughters to reject any form of gender-based discrimination and demand more for themselves. I have seen that the average Indian son is often very caring and respectful towards his mother and sister. It is time to extend this respect to all the girls and women around them. Instead of shying away from difficult conversations about violence against women, we should engage openly with our daughters, sensitizing them to the challenges they may face and encouraging them to never settle for anything less than full and equal respect in all situations.

Transform the Community

Next comes the community. I have noticed in places like schools, parks, family functions, and parties, there is often an unspoken expectation for boys and men to socialize separately from girls and women. This norm of communal segregation between genders creates a gap in understanding each other’s challenges and experiences. We should encourage boys and girls to interact more openly, share experiences, and discuss their struggles. We should create opportunities and spaces where gender does not become a barrier to understanding, empathy, and mutual respect as human beings.

Address Societal Norms and Country-wide Mindsets

Finally, on a broader societal level, we must be vigilant and mindful of micro-instances of gender-based discrimination and violence, which are often subtle but equally damaging. The next time we see a music video that disrespects women, an advertisement that objectifies them, or hear a derogatory conversation about women in the office or in a public space, we should raise our voices and protest. We must be allies for our girls and women in all walks of life, standing up against even the smallest forms of disrespect.

From Problem to Solution

I believe that by taking these three simple steps—within our families, communities, and society—we can move from being part of the problem to being part of the solution. We should always remember that every one of us is here on this planet because of a girl who became a woman and a mother. The least we can do is to ensure they receive equal respect, feel safe, and are loved.